On depression and losing the magic you once had.

 As I reflect and look back on the last couple of years of my life, I feel nothing but pain and brief moments of nostalgia longing to have the small joys I used to experience back then. I am grieved to look back and then at who I am today and realize how far I have fallen from who I used to be. The happy, full of life version of me. Granted, I was never a real happy go lucky kind of person, but I certainly was not as dark and depressed as this.

There was 2018, when I wanted to find someone special. I started praying to God asking Him to send me someone I could connect with because I felt so lonely. Not just lonely, but a deep ache inside I can only describe as a vacuum of sorts. I had legit frost-bite like pains in the upper left quadrant of my chest. It felt like something was terribly missing. I actually found out in emotional pain mapping that area represents longing for a male figure. I would cry out to God for a friend who I could feel connected to. I was faced with the fact that we cannot do this life alone. To try is a fruitless attempt that only hurts you in the end.

Shortly after that I met my first love here on Reddit. It was unintentional, the way it happened. I discovered I am INFP (MBTI personality type) and I started posting in the INFP subreddit a lot. One of my posts got some attention and one of the comments caught my eye. We exchanged a bit of flirtation and started messaging then took to Reddit chat. We hit it off after a while and soon I felt that empty vacuum feeling leave my body. I knew I had found my soul-friend. And I thanked God for him. I cherished him with all of my heart.

I soon went through a tribulation with my health. I started having scary episodes of high blood pressure and tachycardia that almost made me pass out. I was always weak and fatigued. My friend would tell me things would be okay and that he was there for me. We would text all night and never run out of things to say. When doctors and my family didn't believe me, he listened to me and validated how bad I felt. He was my angel. I told him so much about myself, and he never left. He would tell me we would be friends always, no matter what came of our relationship.

In 2020 COVID happened and we started to drift away. I held on as long as I could. Then one of my cats was diagnosed with kidney failure and died a year later. My brother picked up a drinking habit and his girlfriend left him, which caused him to drink even more. I started becoming depressed and turned to food for comfort and gained a substantial amount of weight. And soon little by little the light and hope in my heart faded away as the days went by. The spark in my eyes grew dimmer with each passing hour as the pain of loss and heartbreak caressed my heartstrings.

I realized there is no such thing as happily ever after. There is no such thing as real-life fairy tales. The world is a messed up place. And the most painful lesson I learned, no matter how much you love a person, they can walk away at any moment. Even after they told you that you would be friends forever. And you trusted them. Holding on to their words like a child's slippery hand hangs on monkey bars in the rain.

In February this year right before he ghosted me, I flew out to see him. Hoping it would somehow make him see how much I care about him. I held his hand in mine and it was the most beautiful feeling of connection I will ever share with another human being. I made the hair on his arms stand up. Right before I went to the airport gate, I turned back around and saw him looking back at me for the last time. In my heart what I hoped was the beginning, was only the end. Two souls said goodbye for the last time.

Matthew's gone.

It was my fault for becoming so attached. I wasn't a good girl. I wasn't normal. I didn't know when to leave well enough alone. I kept being annoying and clingy. I didn't know how to shut up my soul when all it wanted was to pour every ounce of its love on him. I would have gone to hell and back for him. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I love too much. But I can't love half-way. It's just not in me. I can't love somebody and hold them at arm's length, squinting every second at the thought of them abandoning me. Screw that. My love is like a thunderstorm th