10/5/2022
I let myself sleep in again today. I got up around 10am and fed my cat Teddy and made two cups of coffee and tea and microwaved some oatmeal. I had a cup of Chobani Greek strawberry and banana yogurt to go with the oatmeal. I went for a quick walk and got ready for work.
Work was more busy than yesterday. It is my 2nd day as chat operator and there were a lot of customers who needed help. I had like 4 chats open at one time and started feeling frazzled because I have to code each customer interaction and I kept losing my place because new chats kept coming in. It made the day go by quicker though!
My IBS was acting up today. I had to keep running to the restroom. I am thinking it is from stress. I went on a walk at lunch time and that was nice. I have really been enjoying the changing weather. It feels so nice outside. I am not used to not sweating my guts out when I stand under the sun. 🤣
I sent an email to my former boss at my previous job. I told her I missed her and told her some good things that have been going on in my life. She replied and said she missed me too. I was hoping she would have said more, but I guess there isn't a lot to say. I wish we could have been friends.
I have been starting to miss my ex a lot more lately. I wish we could have stayed in contact. I wish I wouldn't have been so clingy. Maybe he'd still be talking to me right now. I keep thinking back to when I took my brother to the hospital last month when he almost died from alcohol poisoning--I was all alone and felt so scared. I kept texting and calling my ex because I felt like I needed him--and he never answered. I was crying in the hospital parking lot watching the cars go by. I felt so alone, but looking back I know that I wasn't alone. God was giving me strength to pull through for my brother who needed me.
It's been a hard blow, though. Looking back four years ago when I was close to my ex. How much I loved him, and how much he loved me (or so he said lol). Just last year around this time we were talking about babies and having a family together. I wanted to be a family with him so bad my heart could have exploded. He felt so safe and warm, like a soft place where I could rest and hide from the pain of the world. That was how much he meant to me. Now he's gone and I have to learn how to carry the world all on my own again.
But it hasn't been an easy transition. I am stuck with feelings I can't get rid of. Getting to know him was like opening Pandora's box, it awakened a deep love I can't turn off now. I don't want anyone else. I want him.
I pray and pray and ask God to forgive me, and I ask Him to help me move on and forget about my ex. I ask God to help me not want these things anymore, because they no longer serve me. I feel like if I could just get over this maybe I would feel God's presence in my life again and I will finally be happy and this dark depression will lift. I don't know how true that is, though.
Will I be okay alone? Will I make it as a single woman with autism in this world? I always wanted a husband to protect me and lead me, but it is looking like that is not God's plan for my life. And I must accept it. Somehow.
What I had for lunch? Oh. I forgot. It wasn't a fruit plate, though. 😣
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