New finger symptom
As much as I want to keep this blog upbeat and full of good news, I must share bad news as well. It is part of the journey. With that said, here we go.
I noticed yesterday that my right pinky finger's middle joint is sticking out to the side, a classic sign of arthritis. That means there is swelling in that joint. Thankfully it is not hurting nor am I in pain along with it. It does concern me. I posted a picture of it to a health anxiety/hypochondria group on Facebook and most of the people who commented said their fingers look the same and that I should stop worrying about little things. Only one person suggested it looked a little like arthritis. Truth is, I don't want people reassuring me that I am okay or tell me to "stop worrying"--I know something is not right with my body and I just want someone to take me by the hand and tell me, "Jessica, I understand. We will figure this out, don't be afraid,". That is what I need. I already know it is Lupus. It has to be. I'm sensitive to the sun (sun made me break out in rash and dried my lips horribly two days ago), my ankles and fingers are swelling, I'm fatigued, and I have the malar rash. What frustrates me most is that I have tried to talk to people in my life about these things and it feels like no one is believing me. Not even doctors. I was even suggested to be put on anxiety medication! Just because I am an anxious person or have had health fears in the past--it does not exempt me from getting sick or having an illness. I have accepted it. I know my own body. It is telling me something is not right. That is why I went AIP in January and ended up going vegan this month. It was hard, and if it wasn't for me feeling so bad and fear of getting worse I wouldn't have done it.
I am praying. A lot. This journey has really brought me closer to God in ways I never would have expected. It has urged me to throw myself at the mercy of God for Him to protect me and let His will be done no matter what ends up happening to me. I used to fear death so much. I used to stay up all night with a blood pressure cuff strapped to my arm checking it every ten minutes. I used to fear every muscle pain and headache that came my way. And when I found out I had a 1.1cm tumor last year I felt like my life was over. I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. It wasn't. Having an autoimmune disease is 10 times worse than a benign tumor that is easily treated. What's worse is that I fear my tumor and my Lupus correlate somehow. Excess prolactin is a cytokine that can fire autoimmunity I have read.
And I want so badly to talk to my family about what I am going through, my fears, my symptoms--but I know it only leads to strife and misunderstanding because I cannot communicate well and come off as an hysterical female who once again is just having another panic attack. I know it is not anyone's fault. It was unfortunate that I was such a nervous wreck about silly hypochondriac fears that made me look like a loon. If something is truly wrong now, it will be extra hard to get a listening ear.
So for now, I am going to keep eating my fruits and veggies. I will keep praying to my God. I will keep doing with what I know with what I can to help heal. And I will let myself believe that it will be possible to heal completely of this disease.
I noticed yesterday that my right pinky finger's middle joint is sticking out to the side, a classic sign of arthritis. That means there is swelling in that joint. Thankfully it is not hurting nor am I in pain along with it. It does concern me. I posted a picture of it to a health anxiety/hypochondria group on Facebook and most of the people who commented said their fingers look the same and that I should stop worrying about little things. Only one person suggested it looked a little like arthritis. Truth is, I don't want people reassuring me that I am okay or tell me to "stop worrying"--I know something is not right with my body and I just want someone to take me by the hand and tell me, "Jessica, I understand. We will figure this out, don't be afraid,". That is what I need. I already know it is Lupus. It has to be. I'm sensitive to the sun (sun made me break out in rash and dried my lips horribly two days ago), my ankles and fingers are swelling, I'm fatigued, and I have the malar rash. What frustrates me most is that I have tried to talk to people in my life about these things and it feels like no one is believing me. Not even doctors. I was even suggested to be put on anxiety medication! Just because I am an anxious person or have had health fears in the past--it does not exempt me from getting sick or having an illness. I have accepted it. I know my own body. It is telling me something is not right. That is why I went AIP in January and ended up going vegan this month. It was hard, and if it wasn't for me feeling so bad and fear of getting worse I wouldn't have done it.
I am praying. A lot. This journey has really brought me closer to God in ways I never would have expected. It has urged me to throw myself at the mercy of God for Him to protect me and let His will be done no matter what ends up happening to me. I used to fear death so much. I used to stay up all night with a blood pressure cuff strapped to my arm checking it every ten minutes. I used to fear every muscle pain and headache that came my way. And when I found out I had a 1.1cm tumor last year I felt like my life was over. I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. It wasn't. Having an autoimmune disease is 10 times worse than a benign tumor that is easily treated. What's worse is that I fear my tumor and my Lupus correlate somehow. Excess prolactin is a cytokine that can fire autoimmunity I have read.
And I want so badly to talk to my family about what I am going through, my fears, my symptoms--but I know it only leads to strife and misunderstanding because I cannot communicate well and come off as an hysterical female who once again is just having another panic attack. I know it is not anyone's fault. It was unfortunate that I was such a nervous wreck about silly hypochondriac fears that made me look like a loon. If something is truly wrong now, it will be extra hard to get a listening ear.
So for now, I am going to keep eating my fruits and veggies. I will keep praying to my God. I will keep doing with what I know with what I can to help heal. And I will let myself believe that it will be possible to heal completely of this disease.
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