I have been experiencing an impasse in my healing journey all month long. It began when I got bit by the tick/flea in April and developed the bullseye rash and had to go on antibiotics. Ever since then, it's like my body just stalled in healing. Not only that, but since I had to go sleep-deprived for a few days so I could get on a normal sleep schedule--that also wore my body down. I also stopped drinking as many green smoothies as I was previously that had brought me so much healing. Swelling in a new place, increase in fatigue, joint pain coming back, etc. all work to discourage me from believing I can conquer this mountain. I can't ride my bike anymore, much to my dismay. I miss riding. I miss going outside. I want to be in the sun. I want to swim. I want to be with others. I don't want to feel like I have to keep this such a secret and have to bend over backward just so others don't get suspicious of my weird lifestyle habits (drinking baking soda water, not eating meat, not going into the sun, etc.). If I tell them I am struggling with Lupus they will not believe me. I gave up trying to explain how I feel weeks ago. Just because I got a false negative on a blood test does not make my disorder any less real. It is there. It is there when I wake up in the morning with pain in my fingers and knees. It is there when I look in the mirror and see two pink stripes of skin covering my nose and cheeks. It is there when I walk outside and feel the sun burn through my clothes. It is there when I feel so fatigued I feel like I could faint. I don't need a doctor's diagnosis to confirm to me what is wrong.
But, even still, I refuse to own it. I will never accept this as how I must live the rest of my life. I believe in healing. I believe in God. By His stripes I am healed. He's the only One who has strengthened me for this battle I am facing.
Joint pain cannot separate me from Him. Fatigue cannot separate me from Him. Inflammation cannot separate me from Him. Pituitary tumors cannot separate me from Him. Anxiety cannot separate me from Him. Nothing in this entire world can separate me from His love! I am confident that He loves me and that He is with me, no matter what I face in this life. Even in death, nothing can separate me from Him.
So I'm not giving up. As this month of May comes to an end, I want to kick off the month of June with a promise to myself that I will try harder to fuel my body with super nutrition and take it easy. I will drink at least 2 green smoothies per day and try to eat more raw snacks throughout the day. I will also not overtax myself for the sake of appearing normal. I have to do this for myself. I have to.
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