Daily wellness log: September 26th, 2016
Breakfast: Cup of Silk Cashew Chocolate Milk drink
"Lunch" (because of the time I ate it lol): bowl of Rice and 1 whole can of tuna fish and 2 bananas with orange juice. Green smoothie.
Snack: Bowl of chocolate oatmeal with honey, two eggs with sea salt, orange juice
Yeah...my day didn't start off as it normally does. I had to get up earlier than usual today because I had to give blood for my regular blood testing for my endocrinologist (whom I see for my pituitary tumor). I had them add a CBC so I can see where my levels are at, as I have been having issues with bruising easily and just feeling blah. It has been getting better since I added meat and eggs into my diet, but I still worry about what is going on inside. Just want to keep tabs on it.
When I got home I took a four hour nap (I know...shameful) and woke up around 5 pm. I add "lunch" and shoved a green smoothie down so I could have energy to ride my bike. It was okay, except that my bike has a few things wrong with it and the tire started rubbing against the fork so it was extra hard to pedal. I ended up totally over-doing it, and when I came home I felt kind of bad. I laid in bed for almost an hour and took a bath with baking soda and got out and made my snack. I really hope I don't flare up tomorrow. Overexertion can do some scary things to me.
Honestly, I've been struggling emotionally lately. This week I have noticed my heart has become rather bitter and doubting. Doubting that I can heal, doubting God, doubting everything. It's a known fact that my family has to stick to a budget when it comes to grocery shopping, and I have been having a hard time making my food last through the week. I've been eating lots of rice and oatmeal--which is good for me, but I want to eat fruits and vegetables. The only fruits I get are three bunches of bananas (usually a total of $5) and I use them mostly for smoothies and sometimes in oatmeal. As I started to think about all of this, I started to get bitter on the inside. I became upset and thought: "how am I going to heal when all I eat are grains and legumes?" and I kind of got mad at God in a way I guess. I've been having a hard time controlling my anxiety and it makes me feel far from Him, like an iron wall that blocks me from connecting with Him. I am hurt by this, and it makes me not want to pray or read the Bible at all. Feels counterproductive. Then I wonder if He is mad at me.
I don't want to be bitter. I want to be thankful--and I am. I guess I just spent too much time thinking about the things I don't have that I forgot all the things I do have. To add to the heaviness, I have been worrying about my future and how I will be able to take care of myself. If I always feel weak, how am I going to hold down a job? That was the reason why I had to quit my first one! I am scared. No one knows believes I am sick. Granted, I am definitely not as sick as I was back in January, but nonetheless I am still sick. My body is ravaging against itself. I'd like to heal. I've seen results, I can get up out of bed and do things--but can I stand for 4+ hours a day without feeling woozy? That is what I am afraid of. I don't know how to talk about my fears, because like I said no one knows I am sick, because I don't look like it on the outside. The only thing I have to prove it is a pituitary tumor, which can cause some of the symptoms I face--but Lupus takes the cake. And Sjogren's. I have noticed my mouth has a tiny bit of saliva in it when I wake up. That is good.
And I am worried because, I think: what if I get sicker again? What if I get a job and end up sick again? How will I take care of myself if no one believes I have Lupus? I dread the future, and maybe subconsciously it has made me angry at God. I am scared to trust Him. He isn't obligated to help me. I fear putting my trust in Him and ending up disappointed. It's too much to risk. I can trust God with what I don't know--but this is harder. I know very well I could get sicker.
I have to be present. I just can't help but think about the future. It scares me.
"Lunch" (because of the time I ate it lol): bowl of Rice and 1 whole can of tuna fish and 2 bananas with orange juice. Green smoothie.
Snack: Bowl of chocolate oatmeal with honey, two eggs with sea salt, orange juice
Yeah...my day didn't start off as it normally does. I had to get up earlier than usual today because I had to give blood for my regular blood testing for my endocrinologist (whom I see for my pituitary tumor). I had them add a CBC so I can see where my levels are at, as I have been having issues with bruising easily and just feeling blah. It has been getting better since I added meat and eggs into my diet, but I still worry about what is going on inside. Just want to keep tabs on it.
When I got home I took a four hour nap (I know...shameful) and woke up around 5 pm. I add "lunch" and shoved a green smoothie down so I could have energy to ride my bike. It was okay, except that my bike has a few things wrong with it and the tire started rubbing against the fork so it was extra hard to pedal. I ended up totally over-doing it, and when I came home I felt kind of bad. I laid in bed for almost an hour and took a bath with baking soda and got out and made my snack. I really hope I don't flare up tomorrow. Overexertion can do some scary things to me.
Honestly, I've been struggling emotionally lately. This week I have noticed my heart has become rather bitter and doubting. Doubting that I can heal, doubting God, doubting everything. It's a known fact that my family has to stick to a budget when it comes to grocery shopping, and I have been having a hard time making my food last through the week. I've been eating lots of rice and oatmeal--which is good for me, but I want to eat fruits and vegetables. The only fruits I get are three bunches of bananas (usually a total of $5) and I use them mostly for smoothies and sometimes in oatmeal. As I started to think about all of this, I started to get bitter on the inside. I became upset and thought: "how am I going to heal when all I eat are grains and legumes?" and I kind of got mad at God in a way I guess. I've been having a hard time controlling my anxiety and it makes me feel far from Him, like an iron wall that blocks me from connecting with Him. I am hurt by this, and it makes me not want to pray or read the Bible at all. Feels counterproductive. Then I wonder if He is mad at me.
I don't want to be bitter. I want to be thankful--and I am. I guess I just spent too much time thinking about the things I don't have that I forgot all the things I do have. To add to the heaviness, I have been worrying about my future and how I will be able to take care of myself. If I always feel weak, how am I going to hold down a job? That was the reason why I had to quit my first one! I am scared. No one knows believes I am sick. Granted, I am definitely not as sick as I was back in January, but nonetheless I am still sick. My body is ravaging against itself. I'd like to heal. I've seen results, I can get up out of bed and do things--but can I stand for 4+ hours a day without feeling woozy? That is what I am afraid of. I don't know how to talk about my fears, because like I said no one knows I am sick, because I don't look like it on the outside. The only thing I have to prove it is a pituitary tumor, which can cause some of the symptoms I face--but Lupus takes the cake. And Sjogren's. I have noticed my mouth has a tiny bit of saliva in it when I wake up. That is good.
And I am worried because, I think: what if I get sicker again? What if I get a job and end up sick again? How will I take care of myself if no one believes I have Lupus? I dread the future, and maybe subconsciously it has made me angry at God. I am scared to trust Him. He isn't obligated to help me. I fear putting my trust in Him and ending up disappointed. It's too much to risk. I can trust God with what I don't know--but this is harder. I know very well I could get sicker.
I have to be present. I just can't help but think about the future. It scares me.
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