Two steps back

It is with a heavy heart and a fearful mind that I write that it appears as if my condition has taken two steps back this week. It started when I noticed the tips of my fingers were mushy, like when I pressed them they became indented and then raised back up like a memory foam mattress. I freaked out and had a panic attack. I then noticed a burn-like scar on my left thumb, and also felt pressure underneath the thumbnail of the same finger. 

Now today I have noticed my left foot has been getting "burning" sensations inside, like nerve pain I guess? I'm not hurting, although tonight my left ankle ached for a good 5 minutes. A nice hot bath took it away, glory to God. I also am fearful because my urine has been getting bubbly, like soap bubbles appearing in the toilet. I of course know this can signal excess protein in the urine, and that equals kidney trouble. I also had sharp pain in the lower right side of my back a week ago , that I chalked up to gas because I had eaten broccoli that day. Now I am not so sure. I did have my period this week, and I am hoping the bubbles are just from that maybe? 

As you can probably tell in the picture above my right finger has ballooned back up to Vienna sausage like proportions. Greeeeeeeaaaaat.

So I am not sure what is going in with my body. I feel sad that it appears to be going back two steps after I was so excited for my swelling going down and my energy coming back. The only things I can think of that caused this step backwards are that I tried riding my bike again (for one hour!) two days ago. I didn't feel bad while I was riding, though. Maybe I overdid it? I need to start a food log so I can keep track of all that I eat and see what seems to aggravate my swelling. I've also been stressed out too because I have been dealing with an issue in my heart over someone who I like and yielding to God's will. It has been hard. Also I am dealing with the perpetual reality that I am basically facing this battle alone. I have no doctor or medication to help me, and I have to keep it all hush hush because no one believes I have Lupus. I am starting to wonder if this is really worth it. Should I try to fight and kick to see a different doctor? What good would that do. The two doctors I have seen dismiss for an anxious female who spends too much time on Google. I don't want to feel like a fool again. But at the same time, what if my kidneys are getting shot? It's a huge issue to think about. I really do not know how in the world I am surviving this hell. It is really the Holy Spirit living on the inside of me giving me strength and hope to keep walking through this. Everyday I am praying that no matter what happens to me, that God doesn't let go of me. 

Death is also in the back of my mind. I have been thinking about it everyday since I have gotten sick. I feel afraid when I think of that possibility that I may never get to have a boyfriend, get a driver's license, work at a homeless shelter, or lead somebody to Christ. All of which are desires of mine. I want to believe there is  light at the end of this tunnel for me, but sometimes I am scared to get my hopes up. 

But even still, my Redeemer lives. Whether we die or live, we are the Lord's. 

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Romans 14:8