It's scary to be scared
I just woke up and am having pain in my fingers. They hurt when I type. I took a look at my toes and they are looking like they could be swelling. I want to believe I can get better and defeat this. I don't want to let this overcome me.
But the truth is, I'm scared. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I don't even know if what I have is even Lupus. It could be blood cancer, Leukemia, Lymphoma (My lymph node is seriously swelling out of my neck) or some other scary disease. It's scary when you feel like no one believes you when you try to confide in them about how you do not feel well. It's scary not having someone to really listen to you and not dismiss your fears. I guess I can blame myself for all that, though. I've always been super anxious throughout, nearly, my entire life. I'm like the boy who cried wolf--why should people listen to me now?
But that still doesn't take my fear away. In fact it makes it worse. Everything is so shaky right now, so unpredictable. I have no clue what monster is invading my body. I'm scared that whatever is wrong is going to get caught too late or that I will end up in ICU at a hospital. I'm scared of hospitals.
I wish I could just have the attention of someone who will sit down with me and really listen to me and help me figure out a plan of action. But this is not reality for me. I have to pick my own self up and be my own advocate. I have to listen to my own self. I have to be the one to come up with an action plan. Even if I'm scared.
Psalm 23 comes to mind.
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me"
God is with me. Even if it doesn't feel like it. I have to be brave. I have to be strong.
But the truth is, I'm scared. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I don't even know if what I have is even Lupus. It could be blood cancer, Leukemia, Lymphoma (My lymph node is seriously swelling out of my neck) or some other scary disease. It's scary when you feel like no one believes you when you try to confide in them about how you do not feel well. It's scary not having someone to really listen to you and not dismiss your fears. I guess I can blame myself for all that, though. I've always been super anxious throughout, nearly, my entire life. I'm like the boy who cried wolf--why should people listen to me now?
But that still doesn't take my fear away. In fact it makes it worse. Everything is so shaky right now, so unpredictable. I have no clue what monster is invading my body. I'm scared that whatever is wrong is going to get caught too late or that I will end up in ICU at a hospital. I'm scared of hospitals.
I wish I could just have the attention of someone who will sit down with me and really listen to me and help me figure out a plan of action. But this is not reality for me. I have to pick my own self up and be my own advocate. I have to listen to my own self. I have to be the one to come up with an action plan. Even if I'm scared.
Psalm 23 comes to mind.
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me"
God is with me. Even if it doesn't feel like it. I have to be brave. I have to be strong.
Comments
Post a Comment